Martha Stewart to sponsor lacrosse team

Martha Stewart to sponsor lacrosse team

Postby Billax » Mon Mar 14, 2005 9:21 pm

Dateline, 3/5/2005, Bedford, NY
On March 4th, Martha Stewart was released from the Alderson, WVa Federal prison. Today, in a press conference held in her Bedford, NY mansion, she said the experience had been, "life altering and life affirming."

While she was glad to be home, she noted that she had, "made many friends at Alderson." She had lost weight and increased muscle tone while serving at the facility. When asked how she came to be so fit, the lifestyle queen said simply, "Lacrosse." In fact, noting that Alderson's role was to train and rehabilitate female law breakers, she has decided to endow a lacrosse team at Alderson, with a gift of $12 million, calling lacrosse a wonderful educational experience.

Additionally, she has petitioned the NCAA to enable the Alderson Queens, as the team will be known, to participate in Intercollegiate lacrosse games and post- season play as an ad hoc member of the ACC. When asked if this was legal, Professor Hilda Abramson, of the University of Minnesota's Center for the Study of Females in Contact Sports, said, "It would be discriminatory to ban rehabilitating women from intercollegiate activities, especially when the average SAT score at Alderson exceeds that of women at the University of Maryland"

Alderson's Warden, Barbara "Big Babs" Pawloski, noting that the recidivism rate among Alderson inmates was 83%, asked for a waiver of the 4 year eligibility rules of the NCAA. She observed that since Stewart had redecorated all the prison cells, she expected many inmates to turn down parole opportunities and pursue what she labeled, "advanced educational activities" within the correctional institution. "We need a modification to Title IX to help these disadvantaged women," she said. The head of the Women's Division of the NCAA was unavailable for comment, but the Congressional Women's Caucus, in a hurriedly arranged press conference, indicated it would support prison lacrosse opportunities for women in all correctional facilities and encouraged the NCAA to comply with their demands immediately. They threatened Congressional hearings that would easily overshadow the looming Baseball steroid hearings.

During the press conference, reporters asked about the electronic ankle bracelet that Stewart is required to wear until August. "This custom anklet is 24 carat gold with a Cloisonne enamel inlay floral pattern. It will become the hallmark of the Queens." Asked if her experience with lacrosse would lead to a lacrosse clothing line for women, the high priestess of homemaking commented that, "For my initial product line, I'm sticking to hardware. Since I got the shaft, my women's Titanium alloy shaft will be covered with the exquisite floral motif seen on my restraining anklet."

The shares of her conglomerate, Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, rose $1.25 to $36.50 on the news. Dave Morrow, President of Warrior Lacrosse, now part of the New Balance Corporation, responded to Stewart's announcement by saying, "Guys shafts set the standard for strength and durability. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen a women's shaft that could hold a candle to our bad boyz. I believe that women everywhere will continue to prefer my shaft."
Last edited by Billax on Tue Mar 15, 2005 7:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby backdoor » Mon Mar 14, 2005 9:32 pm

I know that lacrosse has it's roots in native american traditions and that you are a BIG fan of lacrosse and it's history, but lay off the peace pipe, huh?
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Postby Billax » Mon Mar 14, 2005 9:41 pm

I AM a big fan of Native Americans. How'd ya know?
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Postby numbersman » Tue Apr 19, 2005 9:02 am

Damn, I should have held my Omnimedia Stock. That Martha is one slick mother.
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Postby Flandog » Fri May 20, 2005 7:24 pm

I heard she was going to sponsor Las Lomas. One jailbird to another.

Just curious Billax - was this you handiwork -- "higher SAT scores than the women at University of Maryland"?
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Postby DomLax14 » Mon Oct 10, 2005 2:06 pm

im sorry, but does anyone else think its rediculous to have these women play in intercollegiate athletics? I mean, stuff, its interCOLLEGIATE athletics. The name implies that the teams competing in the league are COLLEGE teams. I mean, honestly, so what if theyre "rehabilitating women," im sure they arent all even college-aged, its a FEDERAL PEN.
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Postby Grizz » Mon Oct 10, 2005 2:41 pm

If their “higher educationâ€
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Postby DomLax14 » Mon Oct 10, 2005 3:25 pm

[quote="Grizz"]If their “higher educationâ€
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Postby Grizz » Mon Oct 10, 2005 7:52 pm

Allegedly, prison is to rehabilitate, not punish, except for the death penalty, which is the ultimate form of punishment - and rehabilitation.
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